Why I’m Daring To Feel Fat

By Erinbell Fanore — Guest Columnist

It is not my body that is heavy, but my relationship to it. As a yoga teacher, I am embarrassed to confess how caught up I am in my weight and shape. I have long stopped stepping on scales or counting the calories I eat, but my inner dialogue and debate about how I feel towards my body rages on. Like all relationships, this one has a long and many-sided history.

One part of me loves my body: it’s strong and soft, flexible and fluid. I can comfortably stand in skin-tight clothes and teach yoga. When I move or dance, I take joy in my body and its ability to freely creatively express itself.

Another part of me has a very old habit of envying body shapes that are impossible for me to achieve. It believes that they are better than what I have. It shames me for any extra curves and believes my worth is linked to how I look. It can go to the extreme of thinking that if I gain weight, my yoga teaching might become less authentic.

A third part of me is exhausted from this 30+ year old war. It wishes I could see my body with kindness. It is amazed how even though my husband has been looking at me with love and enjoyment for the past fifteen years, that this hasn’t yet debunked my body issues. Although my body has grown and shrunk several times, his love for my body has never abated. If only I…