The Rules for Being a Woman

By Erin O’Loughlin — Wild Word guest columnist

Go play outside, run with the boys but don’t play kiss chase. Play mummies and daddies, but not doctors and nurses. Speak up now, don’t be shy. Be nice, be quiet, hush now, don’t you ever stop talking? Wear a pretty dress, give your dolly a bottle, oh isn’t she cute? Don’t worry about your looks, brush your hair, scrub your nails. Stop playing in the dirt.

Girls can be scientists too. You can be whatever you want to be. Don’t you want to know how to cook? Take your purse to the toilet so no one sees your tampon. Don’t talk about cramps in front of your father. Embrace being a woman! Shorts are not ladylike. Sports are not ladylike. Buy a good deodorant. Don’t wear too much make-up. Don’t be such a tomboy.

Eat healthy. Treat yourself, you deserve it! Eat a sandwich, why don’t you? Don’t put that crap in your mouth. Love your body. Show off your curves. Shave it, wax it, starve it. Lose weight. Put on some muscle. Dress how you want. Only wear something that flatters your body shape. Cover up that midriff, it’s too sexy. Cover up that midriff, it’s not sexy enough.

Go on the pill, just in case. Don’t let him touch you. Don’t touch yourself. Make sure you flirt. Don’t lead him on…